


What We Allow

by patster223



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, Drinking Games, Episode 56 Spoilers, Episode 56 Tag, Found Family, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-23 10:26:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9651857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patster223/pseuds/patster223
Summary: Yeah, we think something, but it's very private, so it's not allowed.Not everything needs to be said aloud. Taako and Merle aren't the most patient of instructors, but that much they've been able to teach Magnus.Spoilers for Episode 56.





	

**Author's Note:**

> __**Griffin:** Taako, you grab Magnus’ hand just as his feet were being pulled into the astral plane. Do you say anything dope when you grab him?  
>  **Justin:** No, I mean, I can’t say anything, I’m a ghost.  
>  **Griffin:** Okay, fine, but you guys see each other, right?  
>  **Magnus:** We definitely think some super cool action quips.  
>  **Justin:** Yeah, we think something, but it’s very private, so it’s not allowed.  
>  \- The Adventure Zone Episode 56

“This is some real slumber party shit,” Merle says from his place on their living room floor. “Why do we need drinking games to drink? Can’t we just _drink_?”

“If we’re drinking too much _every_ night then it’s a problem,” Magnus explains. “But if we’re drinking in order to do _team bonding_ then it’s perfectly excusable! Which means it’s slumber party time, boys!”

“Yeah, that’ll _definitely_ fool Brad,” Taako says, draining the rest of his wine. “You know, maybe instead of getting on our asses about boozing it up, he could look into the _daily eight hours of training_ that’s driving us to drink in the first place.”

“Yeah, that’s gotta be an HR violation,” Merle says. He scratches his beard. “Maybe we should form a moon union.”

 “A moonion!” Magnus cries.

 _God._ Taako wishes that he hadn’t finished his wine so that he could throw it in Magnus’ face. No amount of intoxication is worth listening to _Magnus puns._

“Just get me more to drink already,” Taako sighs.

He ends up sighing again when Magnus hands him a flagon of ale. Fucking fantasy world filled with fucking fantasy alcohol. Taako just wants a margarita, is that really so much to ask?

Magnus claps his hands together. “So, what will it be tonight? Truth or dare?”

“Gee, I wonder which one you’ll choose,” Merle laughs.

“Yeah, hard pass,” Taako says. “We deal with enough of that rushing in shit during adventuring.”

“Beer pong?” Magnus suggests.

“Depends,” Taako says, “are we using dexterity modifiers or strength?”

“I suck at both,” Merle points out.

“Okay, let’s just…do something easy then,” Magnus sighs, rubbing his eyes.

Taako narrows his eyes. He doesn’t need a stellar perception modifier to have noticed that Magnus has been…off ever since the Temporal Chalice. Fuck, they’ve _all_ been off since then, but Magnus especially so. He’s not sleeping, not eating—and sure, Magnus has always been the dreamy sort, but now his mind’s _constantly_ drifting. He’ll freeze mid-sentence, pain etched onto his face in harsh lines, before abruptly moving onto a completely unrelated topic.

Now, the sudden topic changes aren’t new. But the pain—Magnus doesn’t usually show that.

“How about Never Have I Ever?” Taako says carefully.

“Sure,” Merle says, rolling his eyes. “Might as well lean into the slumber party thing.”

“Why not,” Magnus says. He raises a hand, all five fingers spread apart. “Never have I ever read a spellbook.”

“Cheap shot,” Merle mutters, but lowers a finger and takes a drink. He’s using the hand that has one less finger, so either he’s too drunk to give a shit about this game or too _old_ to give a shit about this game. Taako doesn’t know how to and doesn’t _care to_ tell the difference.

“Never have I ever fucked a plant,” Taako says, because it’s always fun to gang up on their cleric.

“You wish you have,” Merle snorts as he takes another drink, seemingly happy to have another reason to do so. “Never have I ever chopped off someone else’s arm.”

“I did it! To save! Your life!”

The rounds pass pretty quickly, if only because they’re vindictive shits who know way too much about each other. And Taako is the most vindictive of them all. _Never have I ever been married_ takes them both out, as does _Never have I ever healed someone_ —Magnus tries to argue a technicality on the latter, but it’s ruled that healing potions count, and he’s forced to take a drink. _Never have I ever been a human_ also takes them both out, thanks to the Camp Goodfriend debacle.

It’s not long before Merle and Magnus are both a bit drunker and a bit slower than Taako is. Taako smiles. Alcohol—the most effective zone of truth there is. _Now_ he can get some honest answers.

Maybe Magnus knows that too. Because the whole time they’re doing this, Magnus may drink and laugh, but he holds himself tightly, as if he’s ready to run at any moment. He looks…nervous.

Good—he should be.

Taako clears his throat. Time to end this.

“Never have I ever…kept a secret from you two.”

Taako lowers a finger. As does Merle. And, after a moment’s hesitation, so does Magnus.

“I, um.” Magnus lowers his head as if to hide, but Taako still sees it—that pain flickering across Magnus’ face again. It momentarily overtakes Magnus’ words, and it takes him several tries before he can speak again.

“Uh…I…” Magnus’ brow furrows. “I think that’ll do it for me tonight, fellas. I’ll see you both in the morning.”

Magnus finally runs away—like he’s clearly been wanting to do all _night_ —and Taako is left alone with Merle. Huh. It's not like Magnus to retreat like that. Taako honestly thought they’d be able to get a bit more than that out of sensitive, talkative Magnus—something must really be wrong.

“What’d you have to go do that for?” Merle grumbles. “He’s riled up enough without you antagonizing him.”

“He’s _lying_ to us.”

“Well duh! We’re all lying to each other,” Merle says, gesturing to both of their lowered fingers. “Who gives a shit?”

“Oh, I don’t give a shit that he’s lying,” Taako says, flipping his hair. “I just care that he thinks he can get away with it. From _me._ Did he really think I wouldn’t notice?”

“He’s probably not thinking about you.”

Hmm. Unlikely, but certainly a possibility.

“Well…I caught him,” Taako says. “So now he can just get over whatever’s eating at him.”

“Yeah, because we’re all _real_ good at getting over things,” Merle says. He stands up and pokes Taako in the shoulder. “Come on. We need to talk to the ruff boi.”

Taako makes a face. “That sounds horrible.”

“Yup," Merle says. "And it’s all your fault. Relax, I can just cast Calm Emotion if it gets too touchy feely in there.”

Oh, thank Pan for a cleric who can not only repress his own emotions, but _other people’s._ Sometimes Taako forgets how lucky he is. Now if only he had a cleric who would _heal_ them _…_

“Fine,” Taako says, taking one last sip of ale— _ugh_ —before getting up.

They knock and then open Magnus' door without waiting for a response. When they enter the room, it's only to find Magnus stuffing a roll of parchment into a drawer, his face pale and hands shaking.

“W-what do you guys-” Magnus starts, but Taako interrupts him.

“We know you’ve been hiding something since Refuge.”

“How-”

“You suck at keeping secrets, kid,” Merle says. The _y_ _ou’re not like us_ attached to the end of that sentence is so obvious that even _Magnus_ doesn’t need it spoken aloud.

Magnus looks down at his still-trembling hands. “I…I can’t tell you guys about it. I wish I could, but I…literally don’t think I’m able to.”

“You think we care about your shit?” Taako says. “Pssh. It’s your business, my guy.”

Magnus starts. “Wha…You really don't want to know?”

Merle laughs. “Magnus, you know that I get dirty with plants, right? Do you really want to know the kind of secrets _I’ve_ got cooking?”

“Oh dear God, don’t even make me think about it,” Taako groans.

"There's some stuff we just don't need to know," Merle says. "If you want to tell us, sure, but--doesn't really sound like you do."

“I…” Magnus bites his lip. “I _do_ though. You see, I've always this rustic hospitality thing going on—I lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone, and I loved that. This one person I knew, I shared _everything_ with her. But I…don’t seem to know how to do that anymore.”

“Who says you have to?” Taako says. “Look, we live in a top secret moon base with a jellyfish that sucks out people’s _memories_ or something. I think you’re in the clear for being a bit more secretive than you used to be.”

Magnus doesn’t seem to find Taako’s words comforting—in fact, something in them sparks a whisper of that pain again.

“But… _how_?" Magnus cries. "How can you keep all those secrets without losing track of who you’re supposed to be?”

Taako hesitates, unsure of how to explain something that’s always been second-nature to him. He’s never had to teach someone this: how to carry a secret. But maybe it can be payment for everything that Magnus has taught them over the past year: how to carve wood, how to defend themselves, how to protect their friends—how to be a bit impulsive, when it counts.

Taako and Merle can teach Magnus this. How to hold a secret, weak and fluttering, against your chest until that becomes its home. Taako looks to Merle, and Merle nods.

“First off, enough of that ‘who you’re supposed to be’ bullshit,” Merle says. He coughs a little. “Because, uh…that guy you’re supposed to be doesn’t exist. There’s kinda just who you are.”

“Speak for yourself, I’m supposed to be a celebrity,” Taako says. “Look, Magnus, let’s make this simple. Sometimes we think of something that we want to share, but it’s very private, so we’re not allowed to say it. And that’s okay. God knows I don’t need to hear all four pages of your morbid backstory.”

“Yeah, we’ve kind of got this jovial heroic trio vibe going, you know?” Merle says. “We’re listed in the comedy podcasts for a reason.”

“Yeah,” Magnus says, though the way he's wringing his hands speaks to how much he's struggling with this lesson. “But what if…what if you don’t _want_ to keep it private, but you just don’t know how to say it?”

“You don’t always have to say things with words, my man,” Taako says.

Magnus still looks lost—because of course he is, they’re going about this in completely the wrong way. Magnus doesn’t process things through words, he processes things through _action._

Taako guesses that he can try action, if it'll help Magnus. He reaches out and takes Magnus’ hand in his own. Merle huffs—either inconvenienced by the height difference or inconvenienced by the emotional conversation, Taako can’t tell—but reaches up and takes Magnus’ other hand.

Magnus starts crying, because of course he had to make this even more awkward for Taako. It’s ugly crying too, messy and sniffly, not leaving any room for Magnus to form words. But that part doesn’t matter. Magnus doesn’t need words to speak his unbearable and simultaneous grief and gratefulness aloud. They all know—it’s a feeling as familiar to the three of them as the grip of their weapons.

This is what Taako is reminded of, when they’ve reached the end of Wonderland and he’s launched his soul into the ethereal plane. The sheer terror and love that’s propelled him here, that’s placed his hand into Magnus’, that’s placed Merle’s hand into Taako's other one: those primal, ugly, roaring, _beautiful_ feelings that have saved them all—it’s all so very private, and even if Taako had the words to voice it aloud, he’s not sure if it’d be allowed.

But they all know.


End file.
